I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields
Never floss with a stranger.
Never have more children than you have car windows.
The superfluous, a very necessary thing.
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
Laurence J. Peter
Every man’s dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
P. J. O’Rourke
I’m undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something’s wrong with me.
If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
A crust eaten in peace is better than a banquet partaken in anxiety.
A man can live and be healthy without killing animals for food; therefore, if he eats meat, he participates in taking animal life merely for the sake of his appetite.
Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
It’s difficult to believe that people are still starving in this country because food isn’t available.
It’s easy for Americans to forget that the food they eat doesn’t magically appear on a supermarket shelf.
People who shop in health food stores never look healthy.
I thought, you know the food and the diet thing is one way to start yourself onto a healthy lifestyle, but if you don’t move, if you don’t start exercising you’re gonna deteriorate.
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.
Joe E. Lewis
I used to be hung up on my figure, but it’s a waste of time. I don’t believe in diets. Have four pints one night, be healthy the next.
Sophie Ellis Bextor
Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.