\ Tag Archive for "Joan Rivers" - Online Free Quotes Collection

Online Free Quotes Collection

Quotation For All Seasons

Funny Quotes 151-155

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Funny Quotes

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Joan Rivers

My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
Spike Milligan

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields

Funny Quotes 111-115

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Funny Quotes

Never floss with a stranger.
Joan Rivers

Never have more children than you have car windows.
Erma Bombeck

The superfluous, a very necessary thing.

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
Lily Tomlin

If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
Laurence J. Peter

Funny Quotes 31-35

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Funny Quotes

Every man’s dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.
Jerry Lewis

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
P. J. O’Rourke

I’m undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.
Hillary Clinton

I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something’s wrong with me.
Elayne Boosler

If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers

Food Quotes 1-5

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Food Quotes

A crust eaten in peace is better than a banquet partaken in anxiety.

A man can live and be healthy without killing animals for food; therefore, if he eats meat, he participates in taking animal life merely for the sake of his appetite.
Leo Tolstoy

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
Joan Rivers

It’s difficult to believe that people are still starving in this country because food isn’t available.
Ronald Reagan

It’s easy for Americans to forget that the food they eat doesn’t magically appear on a supermarket shelf.
Christopher Dodd

Diet Quotes 46-50

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Diet Quotes
People who shop in health food stores never look healthy.
Amy Sedaris

I thought, you know the food and the diet thing is one way to start yourself onto a healthy lifestyle, but if you don’t move, if you don’t start exercising you’re gonna deteriorate.
Warren Cuccurullo

I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.
Joe E. Lewis

I used to be hung up on my figure, but it’s a waste of time. I don’t believe in diets. Have four pints one night, be healthy the next.
Sophie Ellis Bextor

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.
Joan Rivers